Monday, October 28, 2013

Am I Still A Mom?

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It's been almost a year since my divorce. It hasn't been pretty, but I have Amara. At least I have her half of the time.

The custody agreement was kinda cool at first. Evenings free after work for happy hour with friends. Childless weekends to take out-of-town getaways. I think it helped me cope.

But now the reality of bills and a budget have set in. And we all have a routine. No longer does Amara feel compelled to bid me "good night." She bounces from school to practice to dance class that she virtually has zero time to herself. So dear ol' Mom usually loses out to her friends.


Gone is the little girl that would tell me every detail of her day.

Some days, I hardly feel like I'm Mom2Amara.

Weekends without Amara, my apartment is so clean I think I live alone.

I am painfully aware there are experiences I am completely ignorant of from Amara's "other" life. She no longer wants to share what's going on at that house. It's like separation of Church and state. Call it her preteen ways. Say it's a coping mechanism. Whatever it is, it's making me feel estranged from my own child. She's living a whole other life without me.

I see the invisible lipstick on my daughter’s cheek, proving she's having a metaphorical affair with another family. I want to believe she's with good people. But I've seen how they have turned on me. I have heard the evil words. And I fear for my sweet daughter who is growing up. Without me. I know I will always be Amara's Mom. But I feel like being Mom2Amara may have taken its course.

I may not feel like Mom2Amara, but I do know who Mo Wagner is. I needed to be reminded, but luckily I have awesome friends that did just that.
#NoFilter, it's not just for Instagram.
I find myself saying this often. Hello, old Monina! Saying what I want, when I want. I'm thoughtful, so I am aware of the consequences when I open my mouth. Make no mistake, I will tell you what I think. And #sorrynotsorry, I think I'm pretty fabulous. So to the men who have broken my heart, your loss. To the friends that upped and left, so done. To the slackers, grow up and be accountable.
It is what it is.
Ask my best friend. This quote got me through my separation and my divorce. And now it gets me through each day. Why? Because I can't control you. I can't control the actions of anyone else but myself. So why do I get so worked up over the crap others say or the dumb stuff they do? It is what it is. As long as it's not hurting Amara, eh, I'm over it. Seriously. I'll say my piece then do what I have to do. Life's dandy that way!
Get your praise on.
Yes, I said it. Yes, I need to. Yes, I have been.

362 days ago, my divorce was finalized. It has taken me nearly that long to be at peace with myself. Let's hope it doesn't take that long to figure out being Mom2Amara.

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