Sunday, April 10, 2016

Not a Morning Person

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I used to love waking at sunrise.

I slept with the curtains open so I wouldn't miss the glow of a rising sun. I would hit the pavement and run a few miles when my only awake neighbors were squirrels and birds. My coffee pot would be brewing before my family even knew I had left the house.

But then I hit rock bottom, and hangovers and severe depression kept me in bed for hours - sometimes days. I dreaded every hour ahead of me.

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Now that I am sober, I enjoy the days way more and feel excited to face each morning with hope. Yet I still can't seem to drag myself out of bed.

A few weeks ago, I realized I wasn't sleeping soundly. I would wake at 2 a.m., my mind racing with seemingly brilliant ideas. Or I'd hear a noise and would be convinced someone had broken in. Once I jumped out of bed, the ideas continued to hit fast and furious - and they wouldn't stop. Now remember, I'm an alcoholic. I need to be in control. So this fast pace made me irritable beyond belief.

All of a sudden it hit me. "Idiot, you're not just an alcoholic. You're bipolar. And this is what it's like being manic."

Yea, sometimes I forget.

I called my doctor who prescribed new meds. Then I took the advice of my Sponsor.

I went to bed earlier so I could try something new.

As a part of recovery, we're encouraged to be still. Meditate. Pray. Reflect. Rinse and repeat.

Rather than hitting snooze 12 times when my alarm goes off (I once counted, and it was 12 times.), I immediately pull myself out from under the covers and sit up. I don't fumble for my phone and scan through work emails or scroll through Twitter. I grab my books. I take a look at the daily readings from my recovery books, meticulously highlighting passages that hit close to home before reading from my big book. I end my routine with 10 minutes of guided meditation and a short plea to God to grant me patience.

The results are still yet to be seen. Waking at 5 a.m. is rough when you struggle every night to turn off the TV or spend extra time with your daughter.

But I'm now sleeping through the night, a relief to the state of my physical well being. And after reading and meditating, I seem to still have those moments of brilliance, but I'm more alert to decipher them and write about them in my journal.

I hope this morning ritual sticks. I feel more calm and collected. I start my day more at peace.




To read more about my journey in recovery, click here.

2 comments :

  1. Sounds like a great ritual. I need to find something like that for myself. :)

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    1. It's still too early for me to tell, but I'm thinking this will be one of those life changing decisions :)

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