the 'first' holiday

I don't want to poison Thanksgiving. And I'm not talking about my cooking.

This will be the first holiday which Amara won't be with both her parents.

I won't lie. I considered for a fleeting moment offering to share the day with Dad2Amara to preserve a sense of stability for my daughter. But I ultimately knew what would happen. After superficial conversation, we would end up bickering like children.

So instead, I will go without my heart today for the first time in eight years. My only child will not be sitting beside me at the dinner table.

Sure, I will be surrounded by family. But I can't help but think I'll still feel alone.

While I was in college, I spent a Thanksgiving on my own in my apartment in Chicago. No one knew I spent it by myself.

It. Was. Miserable.

I had to work Black Friday. So paying for a flight home for a turkey dinner made no sense. And I didn't tell my friends about my plans so there were no invites to attend their family gatherings. I mean, I couldn't impose. So I sat in my apartment, in the dark, crying. Because I was spending my first holiday alone. Not even football could make me smile. I think I ate chicken nuggets.

This Thanksgiving, I'll have my family with me. But the beautiful little girl that matters most won't be with us.

But I have to remember that after my first Thanksgiving alone, I spent a glorious Black Friday with friends. And that is what will happen tomorrow. I will have Amara again. And we have a fantastic weekend planned.

So this Thanksgiving, no tears. Only gratitude. For I do have much to be thankful.

And that includes no chicken nuggets on the menu.


  1. Amara will be fine and so will you. She has learned strength by watching you. I am sorry for what you have been through in the past few months but it will get better. Hang in there. Have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving.

  2. Hugs. I'm sorry...have not been online as much lately and did not know about the changes happening. You are strong, Amara is strong and it will get better.

  3. Oh girl, I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you and make anything feel better. I know you're a strong woman though, and Amara sounds like such an incredible little woman...I'm sure she knows that you're right there with her always (because you are always thinking about her).

    Just keep going forward...all will straighten out and all will be so much better in the long run! And if you should feel frustrated....Kelly and I can arrive with Christmas Ales at anytime!!


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