the worst mix for a weekend

Ever have a weekend when you had zero planned? Yea, me neither.

But that's what happened. Weird. Maybe it just slipped my mind because I'm still in vacation mode. Or perhaps I was preoccupied with work I never thought about it. No matter the reason, I found myself Saturday morning with nothing to do.

So I read out on the patio, trying to enjoy the last few days of summer.

Then, I heard one of my favorite movies was showing on TV.  Of course I had to watch. Movies are supposed to transport you into a world of fairy tales, right? Movies are supposed to engage you and make you laugh. And yet within 10 minutes, I was sobbing.

Sex and the City fans will remember when Miranda and Steve reconciled on the Brooklyn Bridge. Prior to their reconciliation, Miranda was told her troubled marriage needed forgiveness and love. Touching. Inspiring. And I wanted to vomit. I don't have a happily ever after. Why did I decide to watch?

That night, I had several dreams. It seems my subconscious mind is trying to resolve "feelings of loneliness." At least that's what Dr. Internet tells me.  It "symbolizes a desire for security." I felt a headache coming on.

So I visited my typical place of solace the next day. Church. I have a love/hate relationship with religion. But instead of lightning striking down the walls around a heathen like me, it was the scripture reading that clawed at my soul. I agonizingly listened as the priest openly preached people like me were "quitters" and "selfish." He proclaimed that I was not giving my daughter the best gift I could as her Mom. I am a sinner. How did I end up at Church the day of this reading? My religion at that moment brought me overwhelming shame.

I've written before how I have had to reevaluate relationships in my life.  While I don't regret my decisions, I now often feel alone in this journey. And now two things that previously brought me joy - movies and Church - led me to a beautiful bottle of Cabernet Sunday afternoon.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe life has tossed enough demands and difficulties my way so I watched Sex and the City and attended Mass knowing how miserable I would feel. Why not wallow in my life by identifying yet another thing that amplifies its misery threefold.

Because right now, the divorce has consumed me. Nothing else matters.

My Church frowns upon my decision. Nothing else matters.

My daughter will not grow to see her parents together. Nothing else matters.

"Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours." Nope. Nothing else matters.


  1. If I was nearby, I would offer you a hug. At least, I can offer a virtual one. Here you go. (((Hugs))). I divorced my first husband when my son was only two years old. I left him when he was only three months and the divorce dragged on. It is not an easy road but you can to give yourself permission to feel okay with it. Like you, my religion and people who were supposedly religious looked down upon me but I learned to get past it. After all, I was the only responsible for my happiness. As far as religion goes, your faith isn’t let you down, it is the people who are preaching it like they know what is best for you. As far as your favorite movie, try a comedy next time. :-) Hang in there. I always tell myself that my kids look to me to set an example for being strong. Be strong – Amara is watching and if you cannot be strong, it is okay for her to see you weak – after all, you are human.


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